I’ve been wanting to write a post, but I don’t have anything particularly important or exciting to share. Fair warning that this will entail some ramblings as I wander through my mental space.
I just applied for another job. It feels really good to hit submit, especially when the job sounds awesome and you’re reasonably happy with your cover letter. But getting the motivation to actually seek out that job and craft a cover letter is waning. After too many failed attempts to even get a call back, it starts to mess with your head. How does that saying go…”insanity is doing the same thing over again and expecting a different result”? And here I am logging into countless Career pages on websites and copying over and over again everything that was on my resume, but now into little text boxes so they can easily weed out that perfect “action word” that either gets my resume looked at or dumped into the deep, dark abyss. To further layer on self-doubt I’m fairly certain Selemon is terrified that after two months of unemployment I have used our marriage as an excuse for early retirement, and my lack of interviews does little to assuage that fear.
There’s no way around the fact that this sucks. And the worse part is my conviction that if they just met me, if they just gave me a shot, I could do it. I could impress them. They could see that I’m professional and smart. Just give me a shot people. But instead, my resumes just free fall into a giant black hole.
Sure its fun to hang with Kelly and Micheal every morning (they really are incredibly charming) but I like to be busy. It’s amazing how much longer things take when you have nothing else on your schedule. Getting dressed now takes 45 minutes when it could be done in 5-10 if you were just a bit busier, you know? Everything slows down and I’m tired of it.
Right now my inclination is to say “but its really not that bad, I don’t mean to sound so bummed about it.” But I’m not going to say that, because my habit is to pretend things are cheery sunshine, and the truth is that this stuff sucks. A lot.
On a happier note, everyday I do try to challenge myself a little. Yesterday I walked into an Asian market. That’s not really scary or challenging at all, but I didn’t know what anything was and it was different and I think new experiences are good for your brain. Tonight I’m going to an event when you ask strangers any question and they have to answer. Could be terrifying, could be fun.
I’m also eating better. When you’re home all day snacks are abundant and a glass of wine (or 3) at the end of the day is a reliable way to mark the end of “workday” and celebrate “evening” when you can relax and stop feeling like you should be writing yet another cover letter. So inevitably, despite my running, I was getting pretty squishy, which if I’m being honest, had reached new levels of squishiness through grad school and all that stressful fun. So I’ve made a commitment to lay off the wine, the gummi candy, the treats and focus on not using bread to ease my boredom. It’s only been a few days, but I’m proud of how I’m sticking to my commitment to feed myself good, energy-filled, healthful food and that makes me feel good.
That’s what’s going on with me. I’m just keeping on keeping on.